Trick or Treat…has been hijacked!

Some of my more interesting childhood and young adolescent  memories involve Halloween. I was either giving out candy or trick or treating. Those days are long gone… the excitement of dressing up, asking your friends what they are going to be, where they are going to go trick or treating. Those who did not want to go ask for candy got together with their friends to go bag snatching. Whatever you decided to do during halloween, you could do it without fear… of kidnapping, of knocking on a child molester’s house, of getting poisoned or hurt. Nowadays, it is scary to go beg for candy and give it out because of fear. Some parents like me, are leary of taking my kids to go trick or treating because I don’t know if I can trust other people to not put something in the candy. My own kids have accused me of being a party pooper because instead of being excited about Halloween, I give them a lecture on the “big bad wolf” who is out to get them. They are just kids, afterall but how can I balance my fear as a parent with their excitement. I don’t want to ruin their fun! I want to see the sparkle in theri eyes as they put on their masks, their custumes or make-up like I did when I was a kid. I want to tell them about the time I was my favorite comic character: wonder women and how my siblings laughed at me because I looked drunk stumbling over the curb because the hole in the mask was too small. I want to tell them about the time when I was a punk rocker during my senior year and how my friends and I were berated by the old people for asking for candy. I want to tell them about the time when my bags was so heavy because it was filled with candy, money, bags of chips and fruits… I want to let them enjoy their Halloween but trick or treat has been hijacked by the “bad people”, like the child molester a street over, like the gangster running around trying to find their rival to beat up or the purely evil people who wants to put razor blades and poison in the candy!

Full Metal Alchemist

Picture from reiq.ws

I love reading comic books because of the graphics. My students know I love it as well. I read Watchmen before the movie so I could discuss it with my students. Then another student heard that I love comics so she gave me the Full Metal Alchemist to read, the whole series. It’s funny how I’m always the one pushing books on students to encourage reading and now they are doing the same. I still have yet to read Full Metal Alchemist because grading papers have put a hold on my favorite pass time. However, I love this quote from Full Metal which says, ” Teachings that do not speak of pain have no meaning… because humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return”.  This is pretty profound and so true. It makes me wonder if we learn more from pain or from pleasure or happiness? In order for us to transform our lives or learn a lesson, do we have to learn a painful lesson?

 

Ask and you shall receive…or do we?

In a world of wants and needs, is it a clever move to ask for many things so you will at least get one thing or favor you have asked for or are you setting yourself up for disappointment? One of my co-workers joked that I seem to be doing a lot and asking for a lot. I replied, ” Well I figure if I ask a bunch of people to do things for me, one of them will say yes and I will not be disappointed.” To ensure that I get what I ask for ( hopefully more good than bad), I stockpile my good deeds. I gave as much as I receive or maybe it’s more like I receive as much as I give.  This bible verse does make sense, “Ask and You shall receive, seek and you shall find, knocks and it shall be opened.” Mathew 7:7

The Pressure and Price of being an Asian Student

In many Asian communities, education is the top priority.  Many parents put tremendous pressure on their child to not only graduate from high school, but do so with honors. According to the U.S. Census Bureau (2009) ” Non-Hispanic whites had the highest proportion with a high school diploma or higher (90.0 percent), followed by Asians (86.8 percent), African-Americans (80.6 percent) and Hispanics (58.4 percent)”. Simply passing is not sufficient or satisfactory for some Asian American parents. Instead they want their child to excel in high school and college.  While it is obvious that education seems to be important to a great number of Asians, the statistic does not tell more than the basic facts. For example, it does not show the pressure and stress some of these Asian students go through in their quest for a high school diploma or post secondary education. Of course there is a good reason to celebrate this achievement, but the road to higher education attainment can be detrimental to some Asian students due to excessive parental pressure, critique, and admonishment.

Most parents no matter what ethnicity they are, equate a good education to a brighter future. While some motivate and encourage their kids to do well in school, others lecture, prod or  threathen their kids to be successful. Most of the Asian students I have heard from and taught are under more pressure from their parents to be the best when it comes to school.  I am not taking anything away from American parents or contend that only Asian parents are tough on their kids when it comes to education. However, it has been my experience that Asian parents can be slightly tougher, overbearing and demanding when it comes to achievement in school. Simply getting A’s is not enough for some Asian parents. The want their kids to get the highest A’s and be the best. To put it bluntly, they want their kids to be perfect when it comes to school. For example, one of my former student is a senior this year and number one out of over 586 students. Due to her Advanced Placement courses she is number one as well as her dedication and hardwork. Also she has close to 30 hours of college credit. To make a long story short, most parents would be estatic about this achievement. While her parents are proud of her, they still think she can do more. For instance, another student in her community (Indian) was nominated by our school for a prestigious scholarship and her parents asked her why she wasn’t nominated. They nagged and nagged her about it and made her feel that she was at fault for since the other in her Asian girl was nominated. Things like this, drives her insane even though she is the best (academically), her parents are not giving her any slack. She can’t go out like other teens. She works, but is not allowed to drive while her other senior friends do. The tremendous pressure from her parents to do well is cultural she says. In her Asian community, there it is understood that the kids represent their parents and they have to be the best in everything, from behavior to academics.

This student along with many others have shared their frustration about their parents’ expectation. All of them ask what they can do to make it better? What they can say to their parents to give them a break.  Also, they have asked what other students have done to survive the madness while they are still at home. Here are some suggestions, but it is best to seek professional counseling like your school counselors or a private one if you can afford it.  Based on my reflections and personal experience, here are several ideas to lessen the pressure your parents put on you.

1. Communicate your frustration to your parents. Talk to them. If that doesn’t work which from my experience with Asian parents will not. Some of your parents will accuse you of talking back to them. Some will say that they are doing what is best for you and they really are,but just going about it the wrong way. If verbal communication is ineffective, write them a letter or email them. If your parents are not computer literate than that will not work. Sometimes, leaving a note for them explaining want you want and having them read it, gives them time to process the information.

2.  Create your own network of supporters ( friends, other family members, your church, temple, etc).  My friends and siblings helped me out tremendously. Simply talking them actually helps.

3. Get involve in school activities so you have an outlet. Join clubs or sports or do community service.  This is actually beneficial to your college dreams because it helps you become more marketable for scholarship. Explain to your parents how this will help you get money for school (colleges are looking for students who can balance school and extra-curricular activities).

4. Get a hobby. Mine was writing, drawing, reading, and sewing. You have to relax! Make it a point to take a break from school for an hour a day to do what you want like listening to music or take a nap or do something nice for yourself.  Since my parents did not let me do much outside the house, I read a great deal. Also, my friends came over to my house since I was not allowed to go to theirs. My mom barely let me go three houses down to hang out.

5. Get over it. What I mean is that it is useless to focus on the problem or frustration. Like many of us, our parents will not let up or stop nagging. You know some of your parents are not going to stop so why stress about it. Crying about the unfairness or injustice is not going to get you anywhere. You have to work with what you have. For example, if your parents don’t let you go anywhere, then find something in the house to do that will relieve the stress.

6. Put everything in two categories: things you can control and things out of your control. For example, your reaction to your parents’ expectation is controlled by YOU not them. Whether you cry, scream or yell is up to you. Don’t let them frustrate you. You know their rules is out of your control so work within the confines of it. For instance, my mom did not let me go to hang with my friends if they were not in the same neighborhood. So, I compromise with my parents to have my friends come over to the house. Also, since my parents were so strict and did not allow me to have any social life, I joined clubs at school and participated in church activities.

I know many of you are under tremendous pressure to do well. Don’t give up. Hang in there and give yourself a break once in a while.

Who does not know what they want? Men or women

Who is more confuse about what they want? Men or women? In the past couple of months, I have done a lot of soul searching and I’m not just talking from a personal level. During this personal odyssey, I have met several women who has volunteerily share their fear, sadness, happiness, anger, disappointment, enlightment, and discovery about themselves in their quest for happiness.Even though these women are from different socio-economic background, ethnic background and age, they all have one thing in common: their men had cheated on them. What really surprises and shocks me, is that it is so common! Even people I  thought  had solid relationships had men cheat on them and I’m not talking about boyfriends, I’m talking about husbands. Here are some of their stories and advice. Of course, all names have been changed.

1. Sam, age 37, Lao, stay at home mom.

Suspected husband cheated on her at one of his military training trips because when he came home he was so nice to her than usual. She said even though he did not come out and admit it, she knew he did. That was the first time. The second time involved talking to girls online.  He never met the girls in real life. Sam is still together with him because she says aside from the two incidents, he has been good. Also, he is a good father and husband. She is used to living a comfortable life.

2. Bella, age 48, Hispanic, professional.

She was married for almost 27 years. She gave her ex-husband four years to change his ways and to show her he loved her. She asked him to go to counseling with her, but he refused. When she told him that he needed to show her he loved her, he ignored her and said there was nothing wrong. Since he cheated on her at the beginning of her relationship, she recognized the signs again. She forgive him once and even try to work it out the second time, but to no avail. What she have learned from her relationship is to that relationship takes constant work.  Everyday you have to work at it and both partners has to be willing to try.  She said, once the relationship stop being fun, it’s done.

3. Zuni,African in her 60s, professional.

Her first husband cheated on her, broke her heart. She was in her early twenties. What she learned from it, don’t let any man have that much power over you. Let them love you more than you love them.  Let a man take care of you, show you he loves you, but guard your own heart.  She said to not marry for love, but instead for security because you can learn to love someone over time. That is exactly what she did the second time around. She married for security and then learn to love her husband.

4. Skye, age 37, Lao, professional. 

Skye has been divorced for over ten years. Her ex-husband was an immature alcoholic. His drinking and his juvenile tendency to party and hang out with loosers ended the relationship. He wanted to spend most of his time drinking with his friends and hanging out. Intellectually and professionally, they were a mismatched. Also, he cheated on her so that drove the last nail in their relationship coffin. What she has learned from relationships since then: treat a man like you would treat your friend. Don’t expect them to be a certain way or do anything for you. For example, we accept our friends as they are. Also, we don’t expect our friends to do things for us and that’s why the relationship work. For example some of us do things for our friends but don’t expect anything back in return. However, for those of us who are more fortunate, our friends do things in return to show their affection or appreciation. Skye says to treat the man the same way. Enjoy the moment, the relationship and if they really like you they will show you. If they don’t, then move on.  She says, “Remember that in a relationship, we are in a sense encroaching on the other person’s life with our demands, our expectations, and beliefs. Therefore we have to be sensitive to their feelings because we are the intruders. If someone really cares for you, they would not view as a threat to their life, but a gift.”

5. Mindy, age 60, Caucasian, professional retired. Her husband cheated on her. The woman he is married to now is the same one he cheated on her with. She says that her and her ex just did not match because they both wanted different things. Mindy is an extremely intelligent, well traveled lady. She has two masters.  She said she would have a better chance of being attacked by a terrorist than finding a man in this town, at her age,  and with her requirement. Most men are looking for someone who is younger and dumber. She is not about to stoop to that level.