Trick or Treat…has been hijacked!

Some of my more interesting childhood and young adolescent  memories involve Halloween. I was either giving out candy or trick or treating. Those days are long gone… the excitement of dressing up, asking your friends what they are going to be, where they are going to go trick or treating. Those who did not want to go ask for candy got together with their friends to go bag snatching. Whatever you decided to do during halloween, you could do it without fear… of kidnapping, of knocking on a child molester’s house, of getting poisoned or hurt. Nowadays, it is scary to go beg for candy and give it out because of fear. Some parents like me, are leary of taking my kids to go trick or treating because I don’t know if I can trust other people to not put something in the candy. My own kids have accused me of being a party pooper because instead of being excited about Halloween, I give them a lecture on the “big bad wolf” who is out to get them. They are just kids, afterall but how can I balance my fear as a parent with their excitement. I don’t want to ruin their fun! I want to see the sparkle in theri eyes as they put on their masks, their custumes or make-up like I did when I was a kid. I want to tell them about the time I was my favorite comic character: wonder women and how my siblings laughed at me because I looked drunk stumbling over the curb because the hole in the mask was too small. I want to tell them about the time when I was a punk rocker during my senior year and how my friends and I were berated by the old people for asking for candy. I want to tell them about the time when my bags was so heavy because it was filled with candy, money, bags of chips and fruits… I want to let them enjoy their Halloween but trick or treat has been hijacked by the “bad people”, like the child molester a street over, like the gangster running around trying to find their rival to beat up or the purely evil people who wants to put razor blades and poison in the candy!

Ask and you shall receive…or do we?

In a world of wants and needs, is it a clever move to ask for many things so you will at least get one thing or favor you have asked for or are you setting yourself up for disappointment? One of my co-workers joked that I seem to be doing a lot and asking for a lot. I replied, ” Well I figure if I ask a bunch of people to do things for me, one of them will say yes and I will not be disappointed.” To ensure that I get what I ask for ( hopefully more good than bad), I stockpile my good deeds. I gave as much as I receive or maybe it’s more like I receive as much as I give.  This bible verse does make sense, “Ask and You shall receive, seek and you shall find, knocks and it shall be opened.” Mathew 7:7

Who does not know what they want? Men or women

Who is more confuse about what they want? Men or women? In the past couple of months, I have done a lot of soul searching and I’m not just talking from a personal level. During this personal odyssey, I have met several women who has volunteerily share their fear, sadness, happiness, anger, disappointment, enlightment, and discovery about themselves in their quest for happiness.Even though these women are from different socio-economic background, ethnic background and age, they all have one thing in common: their men had cheated on them. What really surprises and shocks me, is that it is so common! Even people I  thought  had solid relationships had men cheat on them and I’m not talking about boyfriends, I’m talking about husbands. Here are some of their stories and advice. Of course, all names have been changed.

1. Sam, age 37, Lao, stay at home mom.

Suspected husband cheated on her at one of his military training trips because when he came home he was so nice to her than usual. She said even though he did not come out and admit it, she knew he did. That was the first time. The second time involved talking to girls online.  He never met the girls in real life. Sam is still together with him because she says aside from the two incidents, he has been good. Also, he is a good father and husband. She is used to living a comfortable life.

2. Bella, age 48, Hispanic, professional.

She was married for almost 27 years. She gave her ex-husband four years to change his ways and to show her he loved her. She asked him to go to counseling with her, but he refused. When she told him that he needed to show her he loved her, he ignored her and said there was nothing wrong. Since he cheated on her at the beginning of her relationship, she recognized the signs again. She forgive him once and even try to work it out the second time, but to no avail. What she have learned from her relationship is to that relationship takes constant work.  Everyday you have to work at it and both partners has to be willing to try.  She said, once the relationship stop being fun, it’s done.

3. Zuni,African in her 60s, professional.

Her first husband cheated on her, broke her heart. She was in her early twenties. What she learned from it, don’t let any man have that much power over you. Let them love you more than you love them.  Let a man take care of you, show you he loves you, but guard your own heart.  She said to not marry for love, but instead for security because you can learn to love someone over time. That is exactly what she did the second time around. She married for security and then learn to love her husband.

4. Skye, age 37, Lao, professional. 

Skye has been divorced for over ten years. Her ex-husband was an immature alcoholic. His drinking and his juvenile tendency to party and hang out with loosers ended the relationship. He wanted to spend most of his time drinking with his friends and hanging out. Intellectually and professionally, they were a mismatched. Also, he cheated on her so that drove the last nail in their relationship coffin. What she has learned from relationships since then: treat a man like you would treat your friend. Don’t expect them to be a certain way or do anything for you. For example, we accept our friends as they are. Also, we don’t expect our friends to do things for us and that’s why the relationship work. For example some of us do things for our friends but don’t expect anything back in return. However, for those of us who are more fortunate, our friends do things in return to show their affection or appreciation. Skye says to treat the man the same way. Enjoy the moment, the relationship and if they really like you they will show you. If they don’t, then move on.  She says, “Remember that in a relationship, we are in a sense encroaching on the other person’s life with our demands, our expectations, and beliefs. Therefore we have to be sensitive to their feelings because we are the intruders. If someone really cares for you, they would not view as a threat to their life, but a gift.”

5. Mindy, age 60, Caucasian, professional retired. Her husband cheated on her. The woman he is married to now is the same one he cheated on her with. She says that her and her ex just did not match because they both wanted different things. Mindy is an extremely intelligent, well traveled lady. She has two masters.  She said she would have a better chance of being attacked by a terrorist than finding a man in this town, at her age,  and with her requirement. Most men are looking for someone who is younger and dumber. She is not about to stoop to that level.

Lao women and infidelity

The way the older Lao women view infidelity is quite different than my generation. My mom’s generation seem to view  cheating as a natural part of the relationship. I do not know why this is.  A conversation I had with my mom in regards to her relationship experience with my biological dad and step dad made me view infidelity in a different way. It seems that at a very early age my mom had to deal with this issue .

When my mom was eighteen, one of the colonel in Laos fell in love or maybe I should say lust with my mom. My mom at that age was considered very attractive. She said the colonel had three “wives” already, but when he saw my mom he wanted her to be the fourth wife. Since the man had influence and my mom was afraid that he really could make her his fourth wife, my mom married my biological dad at eighteen. During her brief marriage to my dad, he was not faithful. My mom’s friend would always urge her to leave him. They would always tell her, ” Naa, you are so beautiful, why are you staying with him, you are young. You can find someone else!” My mom said she kept staying because she was hoping he would change, but he never did. She said, the only fault my dad had was that he was a womanizer. He did  not smoke or drink but he loved women.

My mom finally decided to end the relationship when she was pregnant with my little sister, Jiep because of what my dad did. When my mom was going into labor, whe sent my grandma to go find my dad. My grandma finally found my dad at one of his girlfriend’s house. My mom said my grandma knocked on the door and asked for my dad. My dad comes to the door ask her what she wanted. My grandma tells him that my mom was going into labor. Instead of rushing to my mom’s side, my dad gives some money to my grandma and tells her to take my mom to the hospital. My mom was devastated and there was nothing more for her to cling to. From this moment on, my mom ended the relationship.  I believe she was only twenty -three and found herself alone taking care of four kids. We were a year apart.

I think my mom’s experience with my dad, shifted her paradigm about love and relationship. It harden her up. It made her loose faith.  Even though she remarried, she was not quite the same.  She basically married my step dad because she wanted us to have a father. He also cheats on her, but her reaction this time is different. She is angry. She tells my stepdad, the only reason why she is irate is because he is embarrassing us with his behavior.  In other words, my mom is more worried about how we would feel about it. She did not want us to feel ashamed because of what my stepdad is doing. She tells my dad he brings shame to us by his behavior.

Growing up I have seen several people, men and women cheat on their spouse. Some of the wives, acted like they were not aware of their husband  sleeping around. I don’t know if it’s due to self-preservation or it’s because they did not care.  Those who did not acknowledge their husband’s wandering ways, seem to not want to upset their household. In other words, they would rather put up with the cheating so they can continue living their life uninterrupted. Maybe they did not want to change their lifestyle that they had gotten used to.  Some probably see it as more of a hassle to end the relationship then continue on with it. It seems to me, that the preservation of the family unit is more important than anything else. If the couple cheats, they get over it.  Some never acknowledge it or own up to it. They acted like nothing happened. Is this how all Lao men and women view cheating?

What constitutes being called a mae jaeng?

Recently, one of my readers mentioned that she was called a mae jaeng by her parents and it was over things she did that really did not warrant it. Noi stated, “They think I’m imperfect, a smart aleck, they called me a “slut” or “mae jang” even though I haven’t done anything”. When I read this, it had me thinking about how  some Laotians often use these words, “mae jaeng” or “heekill” in their dialogue without thinking or caring how it effects the other people.  These words can be considered very deragatory by American standards as well as Laotians.  For example, the word “mae jaeng” refers to a hooker, a prostitute. When you call someone a “mae jaeng” you are in a sense trying to imply that they have the manners or behavior of a prostitute. I have heard many people use that term in an insulting as well as a joking manner. This can be said the same thing for the word “heekill”. Both terms are usually understood to mean slutty.  By American standards, a parent does not usually think it is slutty if their kids are a smart aleck, imperfect, or talking to boys.  However, in some Laotian community, you are considered slutty if you talk to boys, hold hands, kiss, or hang out with “bad” people (people who smoke, drink, have sex etc). Even the way you dress, even if it is not revealing,can result in you being called a “heekill” by some Lao people if it is something THEY think is not acceptable. For example, when I was in my early teens, one of  the fashion rage was stone wash jeans with holes in it. We would keep washing the jeans until it was soft and worn out and then we would purposely scratch on the little tears until it got bigger and longer to make a hole above the knee.  Nowadays, you can actually buy pants with that worn out look and it’s considered fashion, but back in my Laotian community, in the eighties it was considered bad because we were ” defying” authority for dressing the way we want and not how they wanted. I remember my dad commenting, “kau been heekill that” (why are you being slutty). Even though I wasn’t showing anything, he would say that to show his displeasure of me doing what I want and not what he wanted which was to dress a certain way.

I think when it comes to the words, “mae jaeng” and “heekill” some Laotian parents thoughtlessly use it to refer to their own kids without any consideration of how that will affect their kids. They usually say these words to show their displeasure over what THEY percieve as an unacceptable behavior  or to put or remind their children of their place in society.  Of course, not all Laotian parents used these terms to express their discontent about their children’s behavior.  I think sometimes Laotian parents use this terms to “shock” their kids in compliance, or to remind them what is expected of them. For example, when I was a teen I wanted to go to the boon (Lao party) but when I would ask for my mom to take me she would answer, “kau heekill that”  meaning only “bad” girls want to party.  It didn’t matter that she would be there and other adults. Most American teens would be horrified at the thought of going to a party with their parents.

What constitutes being called a “mae jaeng” or a “heekill”? In some Laotian community, you don’t even have to sleep around to be called a slut, just hanging out with boys can get you labeled. Are Laotian parents less sensitive to their kid’s feelings?

Me on the left wearing one of my stoned washed jeans I later "scratch" to make holes in. My dad would get all riled up.

Interracial Relationship

What race do Asian woman date if they go outside their race?  From my observation, there seems to be a great deal of Asian woman dating white males more than any other race.

I grew up in a large Laotian community.  As a teenager, I never witness any Lao people in my community who dated another race except my cousin and my brother.  Both of them dated white people. I did not witness anybody dating black  or hispanic people.  Upon reflection I realize that in the Lao community I grew up in, there was an unspoken understanding or expectation  that all Lao people date only Lao people.  I don’t remember anybody challenging the status quo while I was a teenage except my brother and cousin. Come to think of it, I think the younger generations did not date outside the Lao community because there were plenty of people to choose from so  it was expected that you pick from your own race.  However, if you grew up in a community where there are a shortage of Lao people, then is there really any choice but to date outside your race? 

Before entering in any serious interracial relationship it is important to consider some important points:

Does your potential partner respect your culture? 

Do they understand what is expected of them when it comes to behavior in that community?

Are they willing to learn, be a part of a totally new culture?

Interracial relationship can be difficult if both partners do not communicate what their expectations are or they refuse to compromise.  For example,  I have a friend who was stressed out because her boyfriend had a difficult time understanding why she is always helping her family out especially financially. When she would do that, he would ask her why does she have to give money to her family since they are adults. When she explained that she was brought that when a family member needs help, you do it. He said she is an adult now so she can say no.  Since he was brought up in an environment where everybody had to fend for themselves, it was hard for him to understand her point of view.

Interracial relationship can work if both parties are honest about their expectations before it gets too serious like marriage.  It would be a mistake to believe that your partner will change because more than likely they will not.  Actually it is their prerogative to believe what they want and act the way they want, but will you be able to live with that?  It comes down to you to decide how much you are willing to compromise or sacrifice in order for your relationship to work.

Please take this survey about interracial dating.

http://www.polldaddy.com/s/45BFF123995146C8/

Asian parents and dating

Do Asians date or is that a western idea? I know this sounds like a dumb question, but it really has me wondering.  Obviously I can’t speak for other Asians or pretend to know what everybody’s view is on that so I will just have to go off of my own.

I am thirty seven years old and I tell you my age to give you a perspective on my point of view. I grew up in the eighties, listening to Madonna’s song Like a Virgin and Papa Don’t Preach. Obviously, she didn’t listen to her own advice because if you know what Papa Don’t Preach, it’s about teen pregnancy.  I bring these two songs up because growing up in an traditional Laotian household you had to remember two things:  1) don’t have sex before marriage 2) don’t get pregnant!  If you were not married then you shouldn’t EVEN be thinking of either or put yourself in that situation. 

My parents forbade us not to date.  They just wanted us to focus on school and that was it! I would look at my American friends and envy their freedom to date while I wasn’t supposed to even talk to boys.  It was so unfair.  Some of you might wonder if I listened to my parents and the answer is yes and no.  For example, I had my first “boyfriend” when I was fourteen and his name was Lado.  I met him in Louisiana when I was visiting my cousin and working for the summer.  I wouldn’t call him really my “boyfriend” since we didn’t hold hands, hug or act like girlfriend/boyfriend.  He was more like a really good friend, one who I played baseball with, board games, and he always farted in front of me.  I know really romantic. I think I just said yes when he asked me out because I was too nice to say no.

To get back to the question, is dating a part of Asian people’s culture? For me traditionally, no we were not supposed to date much less have a boyfriend.  Nowadays, I know many Laotians are more lax in their views in regards to dating.  I have seen parents let their daughters date, go places by themselves and yes even allowed their kids’ boyfriend or girlfriend even come live with them. Time has definitely change and so have values and beliefs.  Are Asians picking up American ideals when it comes to dating and relationship?  Is that a good or bad thing?

Are men smarter than women?

In today’s society I have to say that this idea that men are smarter than woman is a bunch of hogwash.  I am not just saying this because I am in any way a  feminist.  It is true that I am a passionate supporter of women’s rights, but no more than the next woman who believes that we, females are as equal as our male counter part when it comes to intelligence.  I have to further stress that I am not a man hater and blame discrimination solely on them.  All of us have heard the familiar adage, “This is a man’s world!” Historically, I have to concede that it was a man’s world before we wised up and rised up against the stifling oppressive male dominated world.  In a sense some of us woman, are dumb or ignorant enough to be persuaded by our fathers, brothers, lovers, or husbands that they are smarter than us even though at the back of our mind we subconsciously cringe at the thought of male superiority.  Sadly, some of us are raise in a culture, a society, or a household that truly believes that men are superior to woman.  According to Newsweek,”British researcher Adrian Furnham, a professor of psychology at University College London, shows that men and women are fairly equal overall in terms of IQ. But women, it seems, underestimate their own candlepower (and that of women in general), while men overestimate theirs.” I wonder if women underestimate their intelligence because of their lack of self-confidence, self-esteem or self-worth? Or is it because we are more humble than men whereas men are more egotistic because some of them are brought up with the old adage, “It’s a man’s world!” Are some women afraid to admit or show that they are more intelligent than the men in their lives because they do not want to offend or upset them?  I know for some cultures, young girls are raise to be subjective and submissive to their male elders.  I wonder if Laotian women are raised with this belief that male are intellectually superior? Some of the most intelligent people I respect and admire are males.  When I think of the ultimate brilliant male mind I think of Leonardo Da Vinci. Personally, when it comes to the smartest male, he is without a doubt number one in my estimation because he was a master in so many areas. He was a brilliant artist, sculptor, scientist, mathematician, inventor,engineer, musician, architect, botanist, anatomist and writer. I really cannot think of a modern man who is comparable to Leonardo when it comes to intelligence in different disciplines or areas.  The only modern day male who really impresses me with his intelligence is Stephen Hawking, the author of ‘A Brief History of Time’ and ‘The Universe in a Nutshell’.  As for female brilliant minds I think of Hatsheput, Egyptian pharaoh and Queen Elizabeth I, queen of England.  Both of these women prove to the world that a woman is as smart as a man and that she can make sound decisions based on her intellect not her emotions. Now with that said people should give some credit to Hillary Clinton that she is as smart as a man and that she will be able to make intelligent decisions when it comes to the running of our country. In case some of you do not know,Marilyn vos Savant  is considered the smartest woman in the world because according to the Guinness Book of Record she has the highest recorded IQ.  She writes a column for Parade in the USA Today newspaper where people from all of the world send her riddles or questions that challenges her intellect.  Of course since she is considered the smartest woman in the world, there are many people both male and female who tries to stump her.  Are men smarter than woman?  The answer is no!  I know sometimes woman lack common sense but that does not mean she is stupid!:) http://www.newsweek.com/id/101079?g=1

Judging people by…

Everyday, we come in contact with other people on the street, at the grocery store,  a school or at our jobs.  Some people we interact with everyday and others we will never meet again.  However, brief or long our contact with others, we all do one thing:  judge them! It is an almost unconscious thing we do which can happen in the few seconds we see these people.  With the barest flicker of our eyes we scan our “subjects” and file away  the bits and pieces of information we gather and in that abbreviated amount of time we come up with our conclusion of what we think that person is like.  For some of us, the first thing we notice is the person’s color or race and we mentally make an educated guess as to their ethnicity.  Then there are some of us who notice the shape of the person because they are fat or skinny. Even though we don’t want to admit it we  make snap judgements and correlate the fat person as unhealthy or someone who doesn’t take very good care of themselves. For all we know that person could be a top marathon runner, but our sterotypes of them might have obscure our reasoning. 

Some people will even try to equate the way a person dresses to a particular job such as a man in a suit must be a lawyer or a businessman. Also, some will even go as far as to assume that a person who is immaculately dressed is successful, driven, ambitious and charming. In contrast some of us will assume that a person who dresses poorly must not have a good job, doesn’t care about themselves or have any self-pride.  Once again these are all assumptions we make about others based on our own beliefs or experience. Sometimes our judgments and evaluations are valid.  However, there will be times when our stereotypes and critiques are way off base.  The most important thing is for us to recognize and acknowledge  that, “When you meet a man, you judge him by his clothes; when you leave, you judge him by his heart”(Russian Proverb).

I consider myself a good judge of character and sometimes I base my interactions with people based on the vibe I pick up from them. I usually know when people want to talk or want to be left alone.  I consider myself a people person meaning I love being around others.  I am quite gregarious, but I have not always been as extroverted when I was in middle school.  In fact, some of my class mates thought I was too shy and serious because I didn’t like to talk in class.  Of course, my friends and family knew better because I would talk their ears off when I got the chance!

Stereotyping and judging people occurs daily for all of us. In fact, some of you probably made some snap judgements about me based on the way I look, do my hair, dress or even smile. As a teenager I had many of my class mates stereotype me based on my race.  As a student, I was considered smart because I was Asian. Many of my classmates loved to  sit next to me, by me or behind me  so they could cheat off of me on the test. Some were subtle like Sammy in my Geography  class who would slightly stretch his head to the side in a veiled attempt to see the answers. Then there are people like my friend Jackie who did not try to hide her intention and would straight out ask me for the answers. 

I could go on and on about Asian stereotypes, but most of you probably know it already.It is only natural that we judge people because as humans we are curious creatures. Just remember don’t forget the old adage; ” Do not judge a book by its cover!”

Red Thread

There is an interesting Chinese legend  that revolves around a red thread.  Many people believe that when we are born we are connected by an invisible thread that binds us to people we are “destined” to meet and as we grow older that thread tightens or becomes shorter, in a sense pulling us closer to those significant others. Those significant others I am thinking about is not our family because it’s a given that those closest to us will be there. I am talking about total strangers who we are destined to meet in different times or phrases in our lives where we will need them for whatever reason. It is not too far-fetch to conceive that some of us will meet people who will inspire us to be spiritually rich when we have strayed and given in to temptation. Some of us will meet people who will challenge us to be physically stronger when we are feeling lackadaisical.  Also, some of us will be lucky enough to meet someone who will encourage us to build up our mental fortitude so we can continue to  meet any challenge head on.  These remarkable people may be our best friends, lovers, family members, but they can also be total strangers who are connected to us by that invisible red thread.  Ergo,it makes perfect sense to me that  ”An invisible red thread connects those who [we] are destined to meet regardless of time, place or circumstance. The thread may stretch or tangle but it will never break”. I believe that there is a rhyme and reason for everything that happens in our lives, even the negative things has its purpose. However, we are fortunate enough to live in a world where we are not alone, where we can connect with others who will be there for us at a time when we are the most desperate, in a place we least expect, and in the most odd circumstance.  Be optimistic and have faith that we are all connected.  Like Maya Angelou says, ” We should focus on our commonalities instead of our differences!”