Some of my more interesting childhood and young adolescent  memories involve Halloween. I was either giving out candy or trick or treating. Those days are long gone… the excitement of dressing up, asking your friends what they are going to be, where they are going to go trick or treating. Those who did not want to go ask for candy got together with their friends to go bag snatching. Whatever you decided to do during halloween, you could do it without fear… of kidnapping, of knocking on a child molester’s house, of getting poisoned or hurt. Nowadays, it is scary to go beg for candy and give it out because of fear. Some parents like me, are leary of taking my kids to go trick or treating because I don’t know if I can trust other people to not put something in the candy. My own kids have accused me of being a party pooper because instead of being excited about Halloween, I give them a lecture on the “big bad wolf” who is out to get them. They are just kids, afterall but how can I balance my fear as a parent with their excitement. I don’t want to ruin their fun! I want to see the sparkle in theri eyes as they put on their masks, their custumes or make-up like I did when I was a kid. I want to tell them about the time I was my favorite comic character: wonder women and how my siblings laughed at me because I looked drunk stumbling over the curb because the hole in the mask was too small. I want to tell them about the time when I was a punk rocker during my senior year and how my friends and I were berated by the old people for asking for candy. I want to tell them about the time when my bags was so heavy because it was filled with candy, money, bags of chips and fruits… I want to let them enjoy their Halloween but trick or treat has been hijacked by the “bad people”, like the child molester a street over, like the gangster running around trying to find their rival to beat up or the purely evil people who wants to put razor blades and poison in the candy!

Picture from reiq.ws

I love reading comic books because of the graphics. My students know I love it as well. I read Watchmen before the movie so I could discuss it with my students. Then another student heard that I love comics so she gave me the Full Metal Alchemist to read, the whole series. It’s funny how I’m always the one pushing books on students to encourage reading and now they are doing the same. I still have yet to read Full Metal Alchemist because grading papers have put a hold on my favorite pass time. However, I love this quote from Full Metal which says, ” Teachings that do not speak of pain have no meaning… because humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return”.  This is pretty profound and so true. It makes me wonder if we learn more from pain or from pleasure or happiness? In order for us to transform our lives or learn a lesson, do we have to learn a painful lesson?

In a world of wants and needs, is it a clever move to ask for many things so you will at least get one thing or favor you have asked for or are you setting yourself up for disappointment? One of my co-workers joked that I seem to be doing a lot and asking for a lot. I replied, ” Well I figure if I ask a bunch of people to do things for me, one of them will say yes and I will not be disappointed.” To ensure that I get what I ask for ( hopefully more good than bad), I stockpile my good deeds. I gave as much as I receive or maybe it’s more like I receive as much as I give.  This bible verse does make sense, “Ask and You shall receive, seek and you shall find, knocks and it shall be opened.” Mathew 7:7

In many Asian communities, education is the top priority.  Many parents put tremendous pressure on their child to not only graduate from high school, but do so with honors. According to the U.S. Census Bureau (2009) ” Non-Hispanic whites had the highest proportion with a high school diploma or higher (90.0 percent), followed by Asians (86.8 percent), African-Americans (80.6 percent) and Hispanics (58.4 percent)”. Simply passing is not sufficient or satisfactory for some Asian American parents. Instead they want their child to excel in high school and college.  While it is obvious that education seems to be important to a great number of Asians, the statistic does not tell more than the basic facts. For example, it does not show the pressure and stress some of these Asian students go through in their quest for a high school diploma or post secondary education. Of course there is a good reason to celebrate this achievement, but the road to higher education attainment can be detrimental to some Asian students due to excessive parental pressure, critique, and admonishment.

Most parents no matter what ethnicity they are, equate a good education to a brighter future. While some motivate and encourage their kids to do well in school, others lecture, prod or  threathen their kids to be successful. Most of the Asian students I have heard from and taught are under more pressure from their parents to be the best when it comes to school.  I am not taking anything away from American parents or contend that only Asian parents are tough on their kids when it comes to education. However, it has been my experience that Asian parents can be slightly tougher, overbearing and demanding when it comes to achievement in school. Simply getting A’s is not enough for some Asian parents. The want their kids to get the highest A’s and be the best. To put it bluntly, they want their kids to be perfect when it comes to school. For example, one of my former student is a senior this year and number one out of over 586 students. Due to her Advanced Placement courses she is number one as well as her dedication and hardwork. Also she has close to 30 hours of college credit. To make a long story short, most parents would be estatic about this achievement. While her parents are proud of her, they still think she can do more. For instance, another student in her community (Indian) was nominated by our school for a prestigious scholarship and her parents asked her why she wasn’t nominated. They nagged and nagged her about it and made her feel that she was at fault for since the other in her Asian girl was nominated. Things like this, drives her insane even though she is the best (academically), her parents are not giving her any slack. She can’t go out like other teens. She works, but is not allowed to drive while her other senior friends do. The tremendous pressure from her parents to do well is cultural she says. In her Asian community, there it is understood that the kids represent their parents and they have to be the best in everything, from behavior to academics.

This student along with many others have shared their frustration about their parents’ expectation. All of them ask what they can do to make it better? What they can say to their parents to give them a break.  Also, they have asked what other students have done to survive the madness while they are still at home. Here are some suggestions, but it is best to seek professional counseling like your school counselors or a private one if you can afford it.  Based on my reflections and personal experience, here are several ideas to lessen the pressure your parents put on you.

1. Communicate your frustration to your parents. Talk to them. If that doesn’t work which from my experience with Asian parents will not. Some of your parents will accuse you of talking back to them. Some will say that they are doing what is best for you and they really are,but just going about it the wrong way. If verbal communication is ineffective, write them a letter or email them. If your parents are not computer literate than that will not work. Sometimes, leaving a note for them explaining want you want and having them read it, gives them time to process the information.

2.  Create your own network of supporters ( friends, other family members, your church, temple, etc).  My friends and siblings helped me out tremendously. Simply talking them actually helps.

3. Get involve in school activities so you have an outlet. Join clubs or sports or do community service.  This is actually beneficial to your college dreams because it helps you become more marketable for scholarship. Explain to your parents how this will help you get money for school (colleges are looking for students who can balance school and extra-curricular activities).

4. Get a hobby. Mine was writing, drawing, reading, and sewing. You have to relax! Make it a point to take a break from school for an hour a day to do what you want like listening to music or take a nap or do something nice for yourself.  Since my parents did not let me do much outside the house, I read a great deal. Also, my friends came over to my house since I was not allowed to go to theirs. My mom barely let me go three houses down to hang out.

5. Get over it. What I mean is that it is useless to focus on the problem or frustration. Like many of us, our parents will not let up or stop nagging. You know some of your parents are not going to stop so why stress about it. Crying about the unfairness or injustice is not going to get you anywhere. You have to work with what you have. For example, if your parents don’t let you go anywhere, then find something in the house to do that will relieve the stress.

6. Put everything in two categories: things you can control and things out of your control. For example, your reaction to your parents’ expectation is controlled by YOU not them. Whether you cry, scream or yell is up to you. Don’t let them frustrate you. You know their rules is out of your control so work within the confines of it. For instance, my mom did not let me go to hang with my friends if they were not in the same neighborhood. So, I compromise with my parents to have my friends come over to the house. Also, since my parents were so strict and did not allow me to have any social life, I joined clubs at school and participated in church activities.

I know many of you are under tremendous pressure to do well. Don’t give up. Hang in there and give yourself a break once in a while.

Who is more confuse about what they want? Men or women? In the past couple of months, I have done a lot of soul searching and I’m not just talking from a personal level. During this personal odyssey, I have met several women who has volunteerily share their fear, sadness, happiness, anger, disappointment, enlightment, and discovery about themselves in their quest for happiness.Even though these women are from different socio-economic background, ethnic background and age, they all have one thing in common: their men had cheated on them. What really surprises and shocks me, is that it is so common! Even people I  thought  had solid relationships had men cheat on them and I’m not talking about boyfriends, I’m talking about husbands. Here are some of their stories and advice. Of course, all names have been changed.

1. Sam, age 37, Lao, stay at home mom.

Suspected husband cheated on her at one of his military training trips because when he came home he was so nice to her than usual. She said even though he did not come out and admit it, she knew he did. That was the first time. The second time involved talking to girls online.  He never met the girls in real life. Sam is still together with him because she says aside from the two incidents, he has been good. Also, he is a good father and husband. She is used to living a comfortable life.

2. Bella, age 48, Hispanic, professional.

She was married for almost 27 years. She gave her ex-husband four years to change his ways and to show her he loved her. She asked him to go to counseling with her, but he refused. When she told him that he needed to show her he loved her, he ignored her and said there was nothing wrong. Since he cheated on her at the beginning of her relationship, she recognized the signs again. She forgive him once and even try to work it out the second time, but to no avail. What she have learned from her relationship is to that relationship takes constant work.  Everyday you have to work at it and both partners has to be willing to try.  She said, once the relationship stop being fun, it’s done.

3. Zuni,African in her 60s, professional.

Her first husband cheated on her, broke her heart. She was in her early twenties. What she learned from it, don’t let any man have that much power over you. Let them love you more than you love them.  Let a man take care of you, show you he loves you, but guard your own heart.  She said to not marry for love, but instead for security because you can learn to love someone over time. That is exactly what she did the second time around. She married for security and then learn to love her husband.

4. Skye, age 37, Lao, professional. 

Skye has been divorced for over ten years. Her ex-husband was an immature alcoholic. His drinking and his juvenile tendency to party and hang out with loosers ended the relationship. He wanted to spend most of his time drinking with his friends and hanging out. Intellectually and professionally, they were a mismatched. Also, he cheated on her so that drove the last nail in their relationship coffin. What she has learned from relationships since then: treat a man like you would treat your friend. Don’t expect them to be a certain way or do anything for you. For example, we accept our friends as they are. Also, we don’t expect our friends to do things for us and that’s why the relationship work. For example some of us do things for our friends but don’t expect anything back in return. However, for those of us who are more fortunate, our friends do things in return to show their affection or appreciation. Skye says to treat the man the same way. Enjoy the moment, the relationship and if they really like you they will show you. If they don’t, then move on.  She says, “Remember that in a relationship, we are in a sense encroaching on the other person’s life with our demands, our expectations, and beliefs. Therefore we have to be sensitive to their feelings because we are the intruders. If someone really cares for you, they would not view as a threat to their life, but a gift.”

5. Mindy, age 60, Caucasian, professional retired. Her husband cheated on her. The woman he is married to now is the same one he cheated on her with. She says that her and her ex just did not match because they both wanted different things. Mindy is an extremely intelligent, well traveled lady. She has two masters.  She said she would have a better chance of being attacked by a terrorist than finding a man in this town, at her age,  and with her requirement. Most men are looking for someone who is younger and dumber. She is not about to stoop to that level.

If you are Lao, living with a bunch of people is the norm not the exception. Most Lao people can agree that helping others whether they are your relatives or friends is part of our culture. Maybe that is because some of us who grew up in Laos, or were brought up the traditional Lao way, we know that if someone needs help we take them in even though we ourselves may be struggling. My parents were no exception. They helped our relatives even though they were not financially set.

In the late 1980s, we moved into a three bedroom, two bath home and a garage. It was about 1800 square foot, but it had a huge back yard. The best part about the house was the honeysuckle bush in the backyard. I would love the distintive fragrance and would often meander outside and sit on the little step to relax in the summer. When we first moved into the house, it was just my sister, little brother, older brother, and my parents. I don’t remember how long we lived in that house before my relatives started moving in with us, but I know it was fast. It happened so quickly that I don’t remember actually having a bedroom. Pretty soon, three other families moved in with us. My dad’s sister and husband and their three kids. My cousin and their three kids.  Then my other cousin and his wife. Pretty soon our house tiny three bedroom house was cramped and overflowing with people. At first it was chaotic trying to find a place for everyone. Our garage was turned into a bedroom for all the kids. My parents retained their bedroom, my dad’s siter and her husband got one bedroom and my cousin got the other one. As for my other cousin and his wife, the living room became their bedroom at night.

Some people may wonder why did my parents take in so many people. They did it because our relatives just got to America as refugees and they needed a place to live until they could get on their feet, find a job, and save up for a place of their own. Somehow we managed to make it work. I don’t remember any drama. All I remember is that meal times were chaotic. My female cousins and mom cooked for everyone. The kids would spread out the newspaper in the living room and helped carried out the food. Every meal time was like a big party because there were so many of us. We went through a big bag of rice a week.

I have to say, that living with those many people was fun and interesting. Since I was young, I didn’t really need my privacy. Besides, my cousins and I had fun sleeping in the garage and hanging out. We were never lonely. Since there were so many of us kids, playing hide and go seek was an adventure.

Living Lao style, with extended family is not such a bad idea. We were poor, but everyone pitched in. We depended on each other. When everyone started moving out, it felt weird to be in a quiet house. We finally had a sense of privacy, but I was not as happy. I think this experience has made me into the people person I am today. I love being around people. I am the happiest when I have friends and family over. When they leave and the house quietens down, I find myself planning another event where they can come back again.

The way the older Lao women view infidelity is quite different than my generation. My mom’s generation seem to view  cheating as a natural part of the relationship. I do not know why this is.  A conversation I had with my mom in regards to her relationship experience with my biological dad and step dad made me view infidelity in a different way. It seems that at a very early age my mom had to deal with this issue .

When my mom was eighteen, one of the colonel in Laos fell in love or maybe I should say lust with my mom. My mom at that age was considered very attractive. She said the colonel had three “wives” already, but when he saw my mom he wanted her to be the fourth wife. Since the man had influence and my mom was afraid that he really could make her his fourth wife, my mom married my biological dad at eighteen. During her brief marriage to my dad, he was not faithful. My mom’s friend would always urge her to leave him. They would always tell her, ” Naa, you are so beautiful, why are you staying with him, you are young. You can find someone else!” My mom said she kept staying because she was hoping he would change, but he never did. She said, the only fault my dad had was that he was a womanizer. He did  not smoke or drink but he loved women.

My mom finally decided to end the relationship when she was pregnant with my little sister, Jiep because of what my dad did. When my mom was going into labor, whe sent my grandma to go find my dad. My grandma finally found my dad at one of his girlfriend’s house. My mom said my grandma knocked on the door and asked for my dad. My dad comes to the door ask her what she wanted. My grandma tells him that my mom was going into labor. Instead of rushing to my mom’s side, my dad gives some money to my grandma and tells her to take my mom to the hospital. My mom was devastated and there was nothing more for her to cling to. From this moment on, my mom ended the relationship.  I believe she was only twenty -three and found herself alone taking care of four kids. We were a year apart.

I think my mom’s experience with my dad, shifted her paradigm about love and relationship. It harden her up. It made her loose faith.  Even though she remarried, she was not quite the same.  She basically married my step dad because she wanted us to have a father. He also cheats on her, but her reaction this time is different. She is angry. She tells my stepdad, the only reason why she is irate is because he is embarrassing us with his behavior.  In other words, my mom is more worried about how we would feel about it. She did not want us to feel ashamed because of what my stepdad is doing. She tells my dad he brings shame to us by his behavior.

Growing up I have seen several people, men and women cheat on their spouse. Some of the wives, acted like they were not aware of their husband  sleeping around. I don’t know if it’s due to self-preservation or it’s because they did not care.  Those who did not acknowledge their husband’s wandering ways, seem to not want to upset their household. In other words, they would rather put up with the cheating so they can continue living their life uninterrupted. Maybe they did not want to change their lifestyle that they had gotten used to.  Some probably see it as more of a hassle to end the relationship then continue on with it. It seems to me, that the preservation of the family unit is more important than anything else. If the couple cheats, they get over it.  Some never acknowledge it or own up to it. They acted like nothing happened. Is this how all Lao men and women view cheating?

Yesterday, when I was eating my favorite granola from the Bear Naked company, I read their little blurb on the back of the package. What got my attention was this phrase: strip away the clutter and truly live your life. I love it because it reminded me of how sometimes we “clutter” our lives with the wrong people, things, or thoughts that end up stressing us out. It’s ridiculous how we put up with people because we don’t want to hurt their feelings or we are simply too tired to put up a fight.Also, why do we waste our time complaining about things we can’t change? Why do we allow ourselves to get worked up over something someone says to us or about us? Why do we give others the power to control our lives, thoughts and action when we are fully capable of being in the driver’s seat? Why are we afraid to live our life the way we want?

Angry and clothed, there I sit
Nobody cares or gives a shit
Slowly I rise, fist pumping
One by one, buttons popping,
Scattered on the floor,
As I stride toward the door,
People gaping…gasping, “ Who does she think she is?”
I shouted, “ Whoever I want to be!”

The International Lao New Year Festival in San Francisco is this weekend, April 10-11. We have awesome activities planned so come out and joined us. Please go to http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y71OPKtCRpA to see the list of events.

For most of us if we were asked to compile a list of the most profound activist we would more than likely list Gandhi, Nelson, Mother Theresa, Martin Luther King and the list goes on. These individuals without a doubt shaped our world with their tireless effort to make a difference. They set the standard for activism as well as show us why and how we should stand up for change.
One individual who is causing a ripple is Lori Phanachone, a Lao student from Iowa. This young lady may not be famous,or have a massive influence yet,  but her fight against what she sees as discrimination and injustice is noteworthy. She is an example of an ordinary person doing extraordinary things. She reminds us that we should fight for what is right.  Sometimes, doing the right thing is not the most popular, but necesary if we want to be the vehicle for change.

Lori is an honor student at Storm Lake High School. It is her senior year and instead of enjoying her last year, she is stressed out with her  fight against her school’s demand that she takes the English Language Development Assessment. This test is given to students who are identified as ELL(English LanguageLearner).  Usually students who are identified as ELL are place in a class specifically geared toward helping them with the acquisition of the English language. However, in Lori’s case, she has been been placed in any type of language class because she can speak and write English rather well.  According to Russ Oechslin, Journal correspondent for the Sioux City Journal, “…school officials have told her she is considered to be illiterate based on her refusal to satisfactorily complete the English Language Development Assessment, a test she says is demeaning and racist”. Lori was identified to take the test based on her response on her registration for school. She had put Lao as her primary language spoken at home instead of English so the school assumed that she was not proficient in English. Lori told the Sioux Journal, “”Someone told me I should have put English as my first language when I registered for school,” “But I refused. I will not deny who I am. And I will not disrespect my culture or my mother.”

I have to agree with Lori that her having to take the test is demeaning and racist because the school had assume that she is illiterate based on her response to that language question. So if all of us put our primary language as something else other than English, are we going to be called out and tested? What the school should have taken into consideration is that Lori is an honor student. If she was struggling with the English language then why did none of her teachers say anything? I know as a teacher, I can identify my students within the first week of my interaction with them. By looking at their writing samples as well as their verbal response, I can tell if they are proficient enough in English to stay in my class or be placed in SEI. I just want to know where were her teachers in the middle of all this?  Why did they not come to her defense and vouch that she does not need to take the test?http://www.siouxcityjournal.com/articles/2009/03/05/news/local/754d93a7a005ccb3862575700009cc99.txt or

If you would like to find out how you can show her your support go to the blog: http://www.angryasianman.com

Speaking from an educator’s stand point, I understand that the goal or purpose of the English Profiency Test is to identify the kids who do need help, but it is obvious that Lori is not one of those students. According to the Sioux Journal, “The school district’s curriculum coordinator, Lori Porsche, said taking the test is mandatory because Phanachone indicated on her school registration that English was not the first language spoken in her home. Her parents are Laotian and still speak little English.” Just because her parents speak very little English does not mean she is deficient. Are they saying that just because her parents struggle with the English language that she also has the same problem?  Is that not being a little presumptious? As an educator and immigrant, I see this assumption as very offensive and discrimatory because the implied message behind Ms. Porsche’s statement  is that if you do not speak English primarily at home, you are illiterate or stupid. This may not be her intended message, but her remark does have an negative connotation that only intelligent people speak English. In contrast, I think that being able to communicate in many languages shows that you ARE intelligent because it does take some effort to be able to switch back and forth between languages.

What I find very inappropriate and unprofessional is the remark made by Mr. Ruleaux , the Assistant Principal. In the interview with the Sioux Journal, Lori said, ” Mr. Ruleaux (assistant principal Beau Ruleaux) told me I was ‘no Rosa Parks’ — that I should give up because I would not succeed in my protest,” Phanachone said. I beg to differ because look at the positive ripple effect of Rosa Parks’ defiance and bravery to give up her seat on that bus.  Her action eventually led the Supreme Court to announced that segregation on city buses was against the law.
Lori’s protest and refusal to take the test is as admiral and significant because she is fighting against what she sees as injustice and discrimination. Her refusal to stay in her “seat” and take that test is momentous for all students not just Lao students. Any form of injustice suffered by any race is wrong and should not be accepted. We need to remember Eli Wiesel’s powerful words,” “There may be times when we are powerless to prevent injustice, but there must never be a time when we fail to protest.”

Lori is a role model for all people because she has the courage to stand up and fight against discrimination. She is an ordinary person doing extraordinary things. If you are interested in reading the rest of the story please go to: