Who is more confuse about what they want? Men or women? In the past couple of months, I have done a lot of soul searching and I’m not just talking from a personal level. During this personal odyssey, I have met several women who has volunteerily share their fear, sadness, happiness, anger, disappointment, enlightment, and discovery about themselves in their quest for happiness.Even though these women are from different socio-economic background, ethnic background and age, they all have one thing in common: their men had cheated on them. What really surprises and shocks me, is that it is so common! Even people I thought had solid relationships had men cheat on them and I’m not talking about boyfriends, I’m talking about husbands. Here are some of their stories and advice. Of course, all names have been changed.
1. Sam, age 37, Lao, stay at home mom.
Suspected husband cheated on her at one of his military training trips because when he came home he was so nice to her than usual. She said even though he did not come out and admit it, she knew he did. That was the first time. The second time involved talking to girls online. He never met the girls in real life. Sam is still together with him because she says aside from the two incidents, he has been good. Also, he is a good father and husband. She is used to living a comfortable life.
2. Bella, age 48, Hispanic, professional.
She was married for almost 27 years. She gave her ex-husband four years to change his ways and to show her he loved her. She asked him to go to counseling with her, but he refused. When she told him that he needed to show her he loved her, he ignored her and said there was nothing wrong. Since he cheated on her at the beginning of her relationship, she recognized the signs again. She forgive him once and even try to work it out the second time, but to no avail. What she have learned from her relationship is to that relationship takes constant work. Everyday you have to work at it and both partners has to be willing to try. She said, once the relationship stop being fun, it’s done.
3. Zuni,African in her 60s, professional.
Her first husband cheated on her, broke her heart. She was in her early twenties. What she learned from it, don’t let any man have that much power over you. Let them love you more than you love them. Let a man take care of you, show you he loves you, but guard your own heart. She said to not marry for love, but instead for security because you can learn to love someone over time. That is exactly what she did the second time around. She married for security and then learn to love her husband.
4. Skye, age 37, Lao, professional.
Skye has been divorced for over ten years. Her ex-husband was an immature alcoholic. His drinking and his juvenile tendency to party and hang out with loosers ended the relationship. He wanted to spend most of his time drinking with his friends and hanging out. Intellectually and professionally, they were a mismatched. Also, he cheated on her so that drove the last nail in their relationship coffin. What she has learned from relationships since then: treat a man like you would treat your friend. Don’t expect them to be a certain way or do anything for you. For example, we accept our friends as they are. Also, we don’t expect our friends to do things for us and that’s why the relationship work. For example some of us do things for our friends but don’t expect anything back in return. However, for those of us who are more fortunate, our friends do things in return to show their affection or appreciation. Skye says to treat the man the same way. Enjoy the moment, the relationship and if they really like you they will show you. If they don’t, then move on. She says, “Remember that in a relationship, we are in a sense encroaching on the other person’s life with our demands, our expectations, and beliefs. Therefore we have to be sensitive to their feelings because we are the intruders. If someone really cares for you, they would not view as a threat to their life, but a gift.”
5. Mindy, age 60, Caucasian, professional retired. Her husband cheated on her. The woman he is married to now is the same one he cheated on her with. She says that her and her ex just did not match because they both wanted different things. Mindy is an extremely intelligent, well traveled lady. She has two masters. She said she would have a better chance of being attacked by a terrorist than finding a man in this town, at her age, and with her requirement. Most men are looking for someone who is younger and dumber. She is not about to stoop to that level.