I was married for 14 years but with my ex-husband for 18 years before we got a divorce. It is true what they said about how “Divorce is like death in the family.” You do go through all those stages a person who has lost someone goes through except the person who has turned your world upside down is still alive to torment you. According to Lee Ann Newton’s article, ” Divorce is Like a Death in the Family”, because the person goes through all these stages:
- Disorganization (caused by intense emotional suffering)
First I was in denial that it was happening. I never thought I would become part of the statistics and that my relationship was over. Then I got angry, extremely so, at him for making the wrong choice that broke our family apart. I found myself behaving like a rabid dog, a feral beast. I found myself asking, ” Who is this pathetic woman crying, begging and practically groveling over this worthless cheating man? I didn’t recognize myself and didn’t like who I was turning into. I could lie to you and said at that moment I snapped out my emotional breakdown but that’s not what happened. It took me five months to get to the acceptance stage or what I called my “calm and numbing stage” aka ” I don’t give a shit:” stage. Ironically, my ex-husband’s behavior on the day of our divorce pull me out of that deep dark hole I was sucked into for five months.
On the day of my divorce, it was a beautiful and sunny day. The birds were chirping and the weather was in the low 80s. In fact, it was so nice outside, that my soon to be ex-husband remarked , ” This is a beautiful day to get a divorce.” I momentarily stopped in my track and calmly said, ” Yes, it is.” Then proceeded to walk into the courthouse with him following behind and apologetically saying, ” Ana, I was only joking”.
We had to wait for over an hour before the judge called us in but less than ten minutes before the judge declared that our marriage was dissolved. I remember sitting there, looking at the clock and thinking, “Just like that, an 18 year old relationship is no more with that simple word… dissolved”. As I stood up, tears unexpectedly seeped out from the corner of my eyes. I didn’t make a sound, but my silence was so profound that my ex-husband stopped and looked at me and said, ” Do you want a hug?” I shrug off his offer of comfort and said, “No, never again.” What I really wanted to shout at him was, ” Never will I cry over you, never will I give you so much power over me again, you bastard! I hate what you did to our family! I hate you being such a coward! I hate you for being so weak! ” I kept silent because I didn’t want to give him anymore of my time or energy.
The month of May when my divorce became finalized, I registered for classes at GCU and started my graduate program. That same month, I started training for a half marathon in San Diego. I conquer both.
Going through a divorce was hell and it was the worst emotional roller coaster I have ever been on, but as with all rides, it does end.