Divorce: A kid’s perspective

*** My daughter wrote this essay when she was in 6th grade about an obstacle she had to overcome. It was part of her Barrett Summer Scholar program for gifted kids. I am sharing this so adults can understand the effects of divorce on kids, but also to show how resilient our kids are. My daughter is now in 9th grade. She is an amazing young lady. She is in band, FIRST robotics, Junior States of America and student council.

My daughter

Overburden but not Overcome

 As life goes on we seem to face more and more hardships. Some are small and some might change your life. But everybody has them. They seem to pop up everywhere from anything or anyone. My parents’ divorce seems to have impacted me the hardest and still does.

            Finding out about the divorce wasn’t a relief or surprising. It was just kind of there hanging over my head until it was official. My dad cheated on my mom. That’s as simple as that to me. What really hit me hard was when I started to think about it.

I sat at home during the holidays and birthdays sending prayers and wishing my dad was with me. While I was at home crying he was with a girl who could be my sister. He lied. He shouldn’t have. Then he lied again. He couldn’t even tell the truth about how long he cheated. First it was two years then suddenly it was four. Wow, that was fast wasn’t it? I never asked him why, but I think I already knew the answer.

It was his fantasy in way or a get away from a family. I think in the back of his mind we were there or I would hope so. During this time I saw my mom crack a little but not enough to completely break (she’s too strong for that and still is). I did too myself. School was my getaway only one friend knew why my parents were divorcing and I liked it that way. Less people equaled fewer questions.  My friends were there for me like I was there for them. They still are.

When my dad came back things weren’t amazing but he was there. I imagined yelling at his face for everything but ended up running into him with a full hug and tears. Even a cheater he was still my dad. I want to say great things happened right after and everything was great; but we all know how life works so obviously that didn’t happen.

Not too long after my mom, my brother, and I were looking for a new home before THE arrival. Changing homes was a relief though. I swear I was suffocating in a house full of hatred and awkwardness. Noting could have been better and it was a nice way to start 6^th grade, I guess.

Then she came. My current step-mom finally was coming and everything had to be perfect. All I heard that week was “Don’t be rude” or “Give her a hug” whispered in my ear so quiet as not to disturb her. That’s exactly what I did and still do. Sometimes I want to turn around and say why would you say that or that’s insensitive and sometimes to just shut up! I don’t though because that’s just not me. And honestly that would just cause more drama.

Sometimes he does choose her feelings over mine, and no I’m not just saying that, but I know he loves me in his own way. Like my mom says he’s learning to be a dad again. I guess I’m learning how to be his daughter too. This experience or obstacle was a learning one and didn’t completely screw me up.

And hopefully I keep learning. I might skin my knees a bit along the way but i just got to push through the pain. I may be overburden but not overcome.

 

Going through a divorce is like going through a black hole!

2009, dropped 27 lbs pounds due do divorce

I was married for 14 years  but with my ex-husband for 18 years before we got a divorce. It is true what they said about how “Divorce is like death in the family.” You do go through all those stages a person who has lost someone goes through except the person who has turned your world upside down is still alive to torment you. According to Lee Ann Newton’s article, ” Divorce is Like a Death in the Family”, because the person goes through all these stages:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance
• Numbness
• Disorganization (caused by intense emotional suffering)

First I was in denial that it was happening. I never thought I would become part of the statistics and that my relationship was over. Then I got angry, extremely so, at him for making the wrong choice that broke our family apart. I found myself behaving like a rabid dog, a feral beast.  I found myself asking, ” Who is this pathetic woman crying, begging and practically groveling over this worthless cheating man? I didn’t recognize myself and didn’t like who I was turning into. I could lie to you and said at that moment I snapped out my emotional breakdown but that’s not what happened. It took me five months to get to the acceptance stage or what I called my “calm and numbing  stage”  aka ” I don’t give a shit:” stage. Ironically, my ex-husband’s behavior on the day of  our divorce pull me out of that deep dark hole I was sucked into for five months.

On the day of my divorce, it was a  beautiful and sunny day. The birds were chirping and the  weather was in the low 80s.  In fact, it was so nice outside, that my soon to be ex-husband remarked , ” This is a beautiful day to get a divorce.”  I momentarily stopped in my track and calmly said,  ” Yes, it is.”  Then proceeded to walk into the courthouse with him following behind and apologetically saying, ” Ana, I was only joking”.

We had to wait for over an hour before the judge called us in  but  less than ten minutes before  the judge declared that our marriage was dissolved.  I remember sitting there, looking at the clock and thinking, “Just like that, an 18 year old relationship is no more with that simple word… dissolved”. As I stood up, tears unexpectedly seeped out from the corner of my eyes. I didn’t make a sound, but my silence was so profound that my ex-husband stopped and looked at me and said, ” Do you want a hug?” I shrug off his offer of comfort and said, “No, never again.”  What I really wanted to shout at him was, ” Never will I cry over you, never will I give you so much power over me again,  you bastard! I hate what you did to our family! I  hate you being such a coward! I hate you for being so weak! ” I kept silent because I didn’t want to give him anymore of my time or energy.

The month of May when my divorce became finalized, I registered for classes at GCU and started my  graduate program. That same month, I started training for a half marathon in San Diego. I conquer both.

Going through a divorce was hell and it was the worst emotional roller coaster I have ever been on, but as with all rides, it does end.

2012, gained weight lost back over the years, but happy