Love is blind

I wrote this poem about a week or two ago in the middle of the night because I couldn’t sleep.Today when I was watching the show, “Scandal” I thought about how this poem is fitting for the episode I was watching which is about forbidden love. I call any relationship with a taken or married person, forbidden love according to the rules or norm of society. In the episode, one of the main character said something along the line of,” I was a coward not to wait for you to come along.” He is basically telling her that she is his soul mate and he regretted not “waiting” for her. He in a sense has given up on his dream girl because he didn’t think she existed. After he is married and has kids, his soul mate shows up but he is obligated to stay in his relationship. What would you do if you found your “soul mate” but they were already taken? How long would you wait for the right person? Do people settle for the next best thing because they think they will never find their ideal mate? I think as we get older and wiser, this matter of love gets more complicated and not easier. It’s not a simple matter of black or white, right or wrong. I wrote this poem to express the complication of love.

Love is blind
to reason
to morals
to time,
to anything except bringing two lost soul mates together.

Love is magical
it’s the one beautiful illusion we all fall for,
where there’s no room for logic or reason
just emotions, connections, and passion
consuming us like wildfire coursing through our veins.

Love is what we pray for, live for,
fight for, and die for.
It is the fairytale we secretly believe in.

Does Monogamy Destroy Marriage?

I read an interesting article today entitled, Dan Savage: Monogamy destroys more families than it saves
. Even though the article came out in 2011, the ideas expressed about monogamy is still relevant today such as: society’s expectations and norms in regards to relationship, the need to be with somebody because we don’t want to be alone, the attraction we feel for someone because they are “new”. He even poses the idea that genetics are responsible for people’s lack of fidelity. Several writers have noted in the article, “As a species, we’ve evolved to be sexually responsive to novelty. From a genetic point of view, the lure of new partners (known to scientists as the Coolidge effect) combined with less responsiveness to the familiar (the Westermarck effect) motivated our ancestors to risk leaving their small hunter/gatherer societies to join other groups, thus avoiding incest and bringing crucial genetic vigor to future generations.” And the article observes that in order for couples to be monogamous they must be able to dedicate all their time and effort into staying faithful and be up to everything for their partner.

My question is how many of us believe that extramarital affair can actually help save a marriage and keep a family together? What would you constitute cheating? Would you want to know if your significant other is cheating on you? Would you tell your family or friends if their loved ones are cheating?

Read more: http://digitaljournal.com/article/308735#ixzz2UYF1zaHD
Read more: http://digitaljournal.com/article/308735#ixzz2UY7s95uM
http://digitaljournal.com/article/308735

What’s stronger? Love or Lust?

According to the Judith Orloff of Psychology Today,”Lust is an altered state of consciousness programmed by the primal urge to procreate. Studies suggest that the brain in this phase is much like a brain on drugs. MRI scans illustrate that the same area lights up when an addict gets a fix of cocaine as when a person is experiencing the intense lust of physical attraction.” I find this comparison interesting and found myself wondering what is stronger? Love or Lust? Also are men more lustful than women? Is it easier to control love than lust?

Do men and women cheat on each other because they can’t help themselves? If lust is as strong as Judith Orloff claims in her article, ” Love vs Lust: Do You Know the Difference?” then it seems lust is more powerful. Love doesn’t always stop people from cheating on the ones they love . It just makes them feel bad afterwards.

Going through a divorce is like going through a black hole!

2009, dropped 27 lbs pounds due do divorce

I was married for 14 years  but with my ex-husband for 18 years before we got a divorce. It is true what they said about how “Divorce is like death in the family.” You do go through all those stages a person who has lost someone goes through except the person who has turned your world upside down is still alive to torment you. According to Lee Ann Newton’s article, ” Divorce is Like a Death in the Family”, because the person goes through all these stages:

• Denial
• Anger
• Bargaining
• Depression
• Acceptance
• Numbness
• Disorganization (caused by intense emotional suffering)

First I was in denial that it was happening. I never thought I would become part of the statistics and that my relationship was over. Then I got angry, extremely so, at him for making the wrong choice that broke our family apart. I found myself behaving like a rabid dog, a feral beast.  I found myself asking, ” Who is this pathetic woman crying, begging and practically groveling over this worthless cheating man? I didn’t recognize myself and didn’t like who I was turning into. I could lie to you and said at that moment I snapped out my emotional breakdown but that’s not what happened. It took me five months to get to the acceptance stage or what I called my “calm and numbing  stage”  aka ” I don’t give a shit:” stage. Ironically, my ex-husband’s behavior on the day of  our divorce pull me out of that deep dark hole I was sucked into for five months.

On the day of my divorce, it was a  beautiful and sunny day. The birds were chirping and the  weather was in the low 80s.  In fact, it was so nice outside, that my soon to be ex-husband remarked , ” This is a beautiful day to get a divorce.”  I momentarily stopped in my track and calmly said,  ” Yes, it is.”  Then proceeded to walk into the courthouse with him following behind and apologetically saying, ” Ana, I was only joking”.

We had to wait for over an hour before the judge called us in  but  less than ten minutes before  the judge declared that our marriage was dissolved.  I remember sitting there, looking at the clock and thinking, “Just like that, an 18 year old relationship is no more with that simple word… dissolved”. As I stood up, tears unexpectedly seeped out from the corner of my eyes. I didn’t make a sound, but my silence was so profound that my ex-husband stopped and looked at me and said, ” Do you want a hug?” I shrug off his offer of comfort and said, “No, never again.”  What I really wanted to shout at him was, ” Never will I cry over you, never will I give you so much power over me again,  you bastard! I hate what you did to our family! I  hate you being such a coward! I hate you for being so weak! ” I kept silent because I didn’t want to give him anymore of my time or energy.

The month of May when my divorce became finalized, I registered for classes at GCU and started my  graduate program. That same month, I started training for a half marathon in San Diego. I conquer both.

Going through a divorce was hell and it was the worst emotional roller coaster I have ever been on, but as with all rides, it does end.

2012, gained weight lost back over the years, but happy

Lao women and infidelity

The way the older Lao women view infidelity is quite different than my generation. My mom’s generation seem to view  cheating as a natural part of the relationship. I do not know why this is.  A conversation I had with my mom in regards to her relationship experience with my biological dad and step dad made me view infidelity in a different way. It seems that at a very early age my mom had to deal with this issue .

When my mom was eighteen, one of the colonel in Laos fell in love or maybe I should say lust with my mom. My mom at that age was considered very attractive. She said the colonel had three “wives” already, but when he saw my mom he wanted her to be the fourth wife. Since the man had influence and my mom was afraid that he really could make her his fourth wife, my mom married my biological dad at eighteen. During her brief marriage to my dad, he was not faithful. My mom’s friend would always urge her to leave him. They would always tell her, ” Naa, you are so beautiful, why are you staying with him, you are young. You can find someone else!” My mom said she kept staying because she was hoping he would change, but he never did. She said, the only fault my dad had was that he was a womanizer. He did  not smoke or drink but he loved women.

My mom finally decided to end the relationship when she was pregnant with my little sister, Jiep because of what my dad did. When my mom was going into labor, whe sent my grandma to go find my dad. My grandma finally found my dad at one of his girlfriend’s house. My mom said my grandma knocked on the door and asked for my dad. My dad comes to the door ask her what she wanted. My grandma tells him that my mom was going into labor. Instead of rushing to my mom’s side, my dad gives some money to my grandma and tells her to take my mom to the hospital. My mom was devastated and there was nothing more for her to cling to. From this moment on, my mom ended the relationship.  I believe she was only twenty -three and found herself alone taking care of four kids. We were a year apart.

I think my mom’s experience with my dad, shifted her paradigm about love and relationship. It harden her up. It made her loose faith.  Even though she remarried, she was not quite the same.  She basically married my step dad because she wanted us to have a father. He also cheats on her, but her reaction this time is different. She is angry. She tells my stepdad, the only reason why she is irate is because he is embarrassing us with his behavior.  In other words, my mom is more worried about how we would feel about it. She did not want us to feel ashamed because of what my stepdad is doing. She tells my dad he brings shame to us by his behavior.

Growing up I have seen several people, men and women cheat on their spouse. Some of the wives, acted like they were not aware of their husband  sleeping around. I don’t know if it’s due to self-preservation or it’s because they did not care.  Those who did not acknowledge their husband’s wandering ways, seem to not want to upset their household. In other words, they would rather put up with the cheating so they can continue living their life uninterrupted. Maybe they did not want to change their lifestyle that they had gotten used to.  Some probably see it as more of a hassle to end the relationship then continue on with it. It seems to me, that the preservation of the family unit is more important than anything else. If the couple cheats, they get over it.  Some never acknowledge it or own up to it. They acted like nothing happened. Is this how all Lao men and women view cheating?

Why do men cheat?

I don’t often watch “girly” movies or movies about romantic relationships, but my cousin saw the movie, The Women and told me to watch it because it was inspirational.  I have to admit, it was a pretty good movie because it showed the power and strenght of a women.  It was inspirational because it showed that no matter what happens, if you have good friends you will be able to get through it.  One of my favorite part of the movie is when the mother of the main character tells her daughter that if you can survive a broken heart (when your spouse/partner cheats on you) then there is nothing you can’t survive.  Of course, that’s what I got out of it.

The movie touches on the issue of why men stray.  The movie centers on the idea that a man needs to feel needed by his woman or he will stray.  It also points out that just because a husband cheats on his wife doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love her.  The movie seem to suggest that the wife is not meeting the husband’s emotional and physical need  so he turns to the other woman to fulfill it. I don’t know about other woman, but it is difficult for me to believe that the majority of the men who cheats is because he is craving emotional attention from his wife. Why do  I think this? I think it is easier for men to seperate emotions from sex.  Is it easier for a man to cheat on his woman because he sees sex as something more physical then emotional?

Do men cheat because…

1. They are bored sleeping with the same woman?

2. They don’t love their woman anymore?

3. They feel they have a right to because their partner doesn’t give them any attention?

4. They want to prove that they still are attractive to other women?

5. They know they can get away with it?

According to Livescience.com:

When it comes to infidelity, research shows that men are motivated primarily by the lure of sex, while women trek outside the marriage due to emotional neglect and the need for emotional intimacy.

Though more men than women cheat, infidelity is on the rise among both in recent decades.

The rest of the article is pretty interesting because it gives famous cases of cheating spouses such as the Clintons.