Ten quotes that inspires change

It seems like yesterday that we were all singing, Party like it’s 1999 by Prince or maybe it’s just me stuck in the ‘80s and ‘90s where life seem less complicated and slow. When 2000 roll around, everything seems to move at a faster pace due to technology. As I think about a new year, I can’t help but remember moments where life crawled by at a snail’s pace, where the day seem longer, but not necessarily dull or uneventful. Now, I feel like the white rabbit frantically running around screaming, “I’m late for an important date!” Has our life become a list of dates, appointments, and events that we HAVE to do, attend, or show up? Do we need to constantly be running around, or be busy, social, or stressed in order to feel alive? Happy? Connected? What would happen if we take a moment to sit still, silence our mind and relax our body? Can we do that for an hour without thinking about what we have to do, where we need to be or what stresses us out? Personally, for me, I need to slow down and go back to those teenage days where my friend Diana, my sister Khonnie, and I squeezed and sat on the broken down brown leather chair in front of my house and watch cars go by and mumbled over and over again, “ It’s so boring!” Yes, it was that, but at least I remember more of it when I’m not rushing through it as I am now! 2010 is the year to slow it down and focus on quality time with family and friends while making a change in the community. Here are some of my favorite quotes that remind me of who I am, who I want to be, and what I want to do with my life. Some of you may be able to relate to some of these quotations and understand why I picked it.

1. We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves. ~Lynn Hall
2. The wheel of change moves on, and those who were down go up and those who were up go down. ~Jawaharlal Nehru
3. What you have become is the price you paid to get what you used to want. ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook, 1960
4. A scholar who loves comfort is not fit to be called a scholar. ~Confucius, Analects
5. Every possession and every happiness is but lent by chance for an uncertain time, and may therefore be demanded back the next hour. ~Arthur Schopenhauer
6. All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. ~Anatole France
7. If you’re in a bad situation, don’t worry it’ll change. If you’re in a good situation, don’t worry it’ll change. ~John A. Simone, Sr.
8. There is a certain relief in change, even though it be from bad to worse! As I have often found in travelling in a stagecoach, that it is often a comfort to shift one’s position, and be bruised in a new place. ~Washington Irving
9. What can we take on trust
in this uncertain life? Happiness, greatness,
pride – nothing is secure, nothing keeps.
~Euripides, Hecuba
10. Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change that we seek. President Barack Obama

Commercialism of Christmas

 

As a kid one of my favorite Christmas movie was Charle Brown’s Christmas. Everytime it came on I would watch it. I love the simplistic cartooning, the simple (or not) story, the different personlities of the stories. I especially love watching it while it is freezing and snowing outside which reflects the snowy scenes in the movie.  As an adult, I still love the story, but now I have a greater appreciation and understanding of the story line and message. Like this particular scene with Charlie Brown and the gang where they “jazz” up the tree. There scrawny tree reminds me of the ones we had in high school where we would throw a bunch of those fake red, blue or gold garland on it as well as the big colorful lights. Just like Charlie Brown’s tree, our tree was cheap, threadbare, scrawny, but loved. I would sit there and stare at the twinkling lights, the shining fake garland and not noticed that it was missing ornaments. Just like Charlie Brown and his gang, I appreciated that fact that I HAD a tree. It didn’t matter to me that it did not have expensive ornaments, lights or all the whistles and bells. 

I love this clip because it reminds me of how Christmas has become a competition of sort for people in terms of the most expensive gifts, the most outrageous or extravagant tree etc… When have we become so materialistic? When has the holiday been about expensive gifts and bragging rights? We should all learn from Charlie Brown, appreciate what you have and not envy what others possess.

Christmas memories

Growing up in a Laotian household during Christmas is different than in an American household. Looking back, I don’t even remember when was the first time we actually traded gifts or our parents giving us gifts. I don’t quite remember the exact date we picked up this American holiday and made it a part of our tradition, but I think it was high school. Of course, at the church (Highland Baptist Church) we had Christmas dinners and we understood the meaning of Christmas, but at home we still ate Lao food during Christmas. Since I did not have the best of Christmas while in high school, I wanted to make it better for my little cousins. So, when I was going to college, I would use my money to buy gifts for them so they didn’t have to do what I did at their age which was to lie to my friends about the “the gifts” I got for Christmas. I didn’t want my friends to know that we didn’t get gifts because my parents didn’t celebrate it.

Are we forgetting the reason for the season?

Tis the season to be jolly, fa la la la la la! Christmas is my favorite holiday! I love the ambience of the season, the smell of fresh Christmas trees and pine cones. I love shopping for gifts for my family because it makes me happy to give to others. However, being a single mother with two kids put a brake on my shopping. Now, I have to be careful how much I spend. I even told the kids to tell me what they want, but to keep in mind my budget. Both my son( 8 years old) and daughter (11 years old), did not have a problem with that. They understand and know that I will not buy them a bunch of toys  because it is wasteful especially when they play with it a couple of times and then lose interest. So, a couple of years ago, I decided that I was not going to waste my money on buying toys but instead books, music, arts & crafts and clothes. Of course, I still buy them some toys but not like I used to and my kids do not complain. In fact they know how lucky they are because they have friends who will not have a good Christmas this year because their mom told them today that they will not be getting any Christmas gifts because she has no money. When my daughter told me that today, I asked if she was willing to give up one of her gifts to her friend and she said yes. To ensure that the kids have a good Christmas, I am going to bring the two girls to the house so they can make cookies, play games and hang out with us.

Christmas is about giving, not receiving.

Trick or Treat…has been hijacked!

Some of my more interesting childhood and young adolescent  memories involve Halloween. I was either giving out candy or trick or treating. Those days are long gone… the excitement of dressing up, asking your friends what they are going to be, where they are going to go trick or treating. Those who did not want to go ask for candy got together with their friends to go bag snatching. Whatever you decided to do during halloween, you could do it without fear… of kidnapping, of knocking on a child molester’s house, of getting poisoned or hurt. Nowadays, it is scary to go beg for candy and give it out because of fear. Some parents like me, are leary of taking my kids to go trick or treating because I don’t know if I can trust other people to not put something in the candy. My own kids have accused me of being a party pooper because instead of being excited about Halloween, I give them a lecture on the “big bad wolf” who is out to get them. They are just kids, afterall but how can I balance my fear as a parent with their excitement. I don’t want to ruin their fun! I want to see the sparkle in theri eyes as they put on their masks, their custumes or make-up like I did when I was a kid. I want to tell them about the time I was my favorite comic character: wonder women and how my siblings laughed at me because I looked drunk stumbling over the curb because the hole in the mask was too small. I want to tell them about the time when I was a punk rocker during my senior year and how my friends and I were berated by the old people for asking for candy. I want to tell them about the time when my bags was so heavy because it was filled with candy, money, bags of chips and fruits… I want to let them enjoy their Halloween but trick or treat has been hijacked by the “bad people”, like the child molester a street over, like the gangster running around trying to find their rival to beat up or the purely evil people who wants to put razor blades and poison in the candy!

Full Metal Alchemist

Picture from reiq.ws

I love reading comic books because of the graphics. My students know I love it as well. I read Watchmen before the movie so I could discuss it with my students. Then another student heard that I love comics so she gave me the Full Metal Alchemist to read, the whole series. It’s funny how I’m always the one pushing books on students to encourage reading and now they are doing the same. I still have yet to read Full Metal Alchemist because grading papers have put a hold on my favorite pass time. However, I love this quote from Full Metal which says, ” Teachings that do not speak of pain have no meaning… because humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return”.  This is pretty profound and so true. It makes me wonder if we learn more from pain or from pleasure or happiness? In order for us to transform our lives or learn a lesson, do we have to learn a painful lesson?

 

Ask and you shall receive…or do we?

In a world of wants and needs, is it a clever move to ask for many things so you will at least get one thing or favor you have asked for or are you setting yourself up for disappointment? One of my co-workers joked that I seem to be doing a lot and asking for a lot. I replied, ” Well I figure if I ask a bunch of people to do things for me, one of them will say yes and I will not be disappointed.” To ensure that I get what I ask for ( hopefully more good than bad), I stockpile my good deeds. I gave as much as I receive or maybe it’s more like I receive as much as I give.  This bible verse does make sense, “Ask and You shall receive, seek and you shall find, knocks and it shall be opened.” Mathew 7:7

The Pressure and Price of being an Asian Student

In many Asian communities, education is the top priority.  Many parents put tremendous pressure on their child to not only graduate from high school, but do so with honors. According to the U.S. Census Bureau (2009) ” Non-Hispanic whites had the highest proportion with a high school diploma or higher (90.0 percent), followed by Asians (86.8 percent), African-Americans (80.6 percent) and Hispanics (58.4 percent)”. Simply passing is not sufficient or satisfactory for some Asian American parents. Instead they want their child to excel in high school and college.  While it is obvious that education seems to be important to a great number of Asians, the statistic does not tell more than the basic facts. For example, it does not show the pressure and stress some of these Asian students go through in their quest for a high school diploma or post secondary education. Of course there is a good reason to celebrate this achievement, but the road to higher education attainment can be detrimental to some Asian students due to excessive parental pressure, critique, and admonishment.

Most parents no matter what ethnicity they are, equate a good education to a brighter future. While some motivate and encourage their kids to do well in school, others lecture, prod or  threathen their kids to be successful. Most of the Asian students I have heard from and taught are under more pressure from their parents to be the best when it comes to school.  I am not taking anything away from American parents or contend that only Asian parents are tough on their kids when it comes to education. However, it has been my experience that Asian parents can be slightly tougher, overbearing and demanding when it comes to achievement in school. Simply getting A’s is not enough for some Asian parents. The want their kids to get the highest A’s and be the best. To put it bluntly, they want their kids to be perfect when it comes to school. For example, one of my former student is a senior this year and number one out of over 586 students. Due to her Advanced Placement courses she is number one as well as her dedication and hardwork. Also she has close to 30 hours of college credit. To make a long story short, most parents would be estatic about this achievement. While her parents are proud of her, they still think she can do more. For instance, another student in her community (Indian) was nominated by our school for a prestigious scholarship and her parents asked her why she wasn’t nominated. They nagged and nagged her about it and made her feel that she was at fault for since the other in her Asian girl was nominated. Things like this, drives her insane even though she is the best (academically), her parents are not giving her any slack. She can’t go out like other teens. She works, but is not allowed to drive while her other senior friends do. The tremendous pressure from her parents to do well is cultural she says. In her Asian community, there it is understood that the kids represent their parents and they have to be the best in everything, from behavior to academics.

This student along with many others have shared their frustration about their parents’ expectation. All of them ask what they can do to make it better? What they can say to their parents to give them a break.  Also, they have asked what other students have done to survive the madness while they are still at home. Here are some suggestions, but it is best to seek professional counseling like your school counselors or a private one if you can afford it.  Based on my reflections and personal experience, here are several ideas to lessen the pressure your parents put on you.

1. Communicate your frustration to your parents. Talk to them. If that doesn’t work which from my experience with Asian parents will not. Some of your parents will accuse you of talking back to them. Some will say that they are doing what is best for you and they really are,but just going about it the wrong way. If verbal communication is ineffective, write them a letter or email them. If your parents are not computer literate than that will not work. Sometimes, leaving a note for them explaining want you want and having them read it, gives them time to process the information.

2.  Create your own network of supporters ( friends, other family members, your church, temple, etc).  My friends and siblings helped me out tremendously. Simply talking them actually helps.

3. Get involve in school activities so you have an outlet. Join clubs or sports or do community service.  This is actually beneficial to your college dreams because it helps you become more marketable for scholarship. Explain to your parents how this will help you get money for school (colleges are looking for students who can balance school and extra-curricular activities).

4. Get a hobby. Mine was writing, drawing, reading, and sewing. You have to relax! Make it a point to take a break from school for an hour a day to do what you want like listening to music or take a nap or do something nice for yourself.  Since my parents did not let me do much outside the house, I read a great deal. Also, my friends came over to my house since I was not allowed to go to theirs. My mom barely let me go three houses down to hang out.

5. Get over it. What I mean is that it is useless to focus on the problem or frustration. Like many of us, our parents will not let up or stop nagging. You know some of your parents are not going to stop so why stress about it. Crying about the unfairness or injustice is not going to get you anywhere. You have to work with what you have. For example, if your parents don’t let you go anywhere, then find something in the house to do that will relieve the stress.

6. Put everything in two categories: things you can control and things out of your control. For example, your reaction to your parents’ expectation is controlled by YOU not them. Whether you cry, scream or yell is up to you. Don’t let them frustrate you. You know their rules is out of your control so work within the confines of it. For instance, my mom did not let me go to hang with my friends if they were not in the same neighborhood. So, I compromise with my parents to have my friends come over to the house. Also, since my parents were so strict and did not allow me to have any social life, I joined clubs at school and participated in church activities.

I know many of you are under tremendous pressure to do well. Don’t give up. Hang in there and give yourself a break once in a while.

Who does not know what they want? Men or women

Who is more confuse about what they want? Men or women? In the past couple of months, I have done a lot of soul searching and I’m not just talking from a personal level. During this personal odyssey, I have met several women who has volunteerily share their fear, sadness, happiness, anger, disappointment, enlightment, and discovery about themselves in their quest for happiness.Even though these women are from different socio-economic background, ethnic background and age, they all have one thing in common: their men had cheated on them. What really surprises and shocks me, is that it is so common! Even people I  thought  had solid relationships had men cheat on them and I’m not talking about boyfriends, I’m talking about husbands. Here are some of their stories and advice. Of course, all names have been changed.

1. Sam, age 37, Lao, stay at home mom.

Suspected husband cheated on her at one of his military training trips because when he came home he was so nice to her than usual. She said even though he did not come out and admit it, she knew he did. That was the first time. The second time involved talking to girls online.  He never met the girls in real life. Sam is still together with him because she says aside from the two incidents, he has been good. Also, he is a good father and husband. She is used to living a comfortable life.

2. Bella, age 48, Hispanic, professional.

She was married for almost 27 years. She gave her ex-husband four years to change his ways and to show her he loved her. She asked him to go to counseling with her, but he refused. When she told him that he needed to show her he loved her, he ignored her and said there was nothing wrong. Since he cheated on her at the beginning of her relationship, she recognized the signs again. She forgive him once and even try to work it out the second time, but to no avail. What she have learned from her relationship is to that relationship takes constant work.  Everyday you have to work at it and both partners has to be willing to try.  She said, once the relationship stop being fun, it’s done.

3. Zuni,African in her 60s, professional.

Her first husband cheated on her, broke her heart. She was in her early twenties. What she learned from it, don’t let any man have that much power over you. Let them love you more than you love them.  Let a man take care of you, show you he loves you, but guard your own heart.  She said to not marry for love, but instead for security because you can learn to love someone over time. That is exactly what she did the second time around. She married for security and then learn to love her husband.

4. Skye, age 37, Lao, professional. 

Skye has been divorced for over ten years. Her ex-husband was an immature alcoholic. His drinking and his juvenile tendency to party and hang out with loosers ended the relationship. He wanted to spend most of his time drinking with his friends and hanging out. Intellectually and professionally, they were a mismatched. Also, he cheated on her so that drove the last nail in their relationship coffin. What she has learned from relationships since then: treat a man like you would treat your friend. Don’t expect them to be a certain way or do anything for you. For example, we accept our friends as they are. Also, we don’t expect our friends to do things for us and that’s why the relationship work. For example some of us do things for our friends but don’t expect anything back in return. However, for those of us who are more fortunate, our friends do things in return to show their affection or appreciation. Skye says to treat the man the same way. Enjoy the moment, the relationship and if they really like you they will show you. If they don’t, then move on.  She says, “Remember that in a relationship, we are in a sense encroaching on the other person’s life with our demands, our expectations, and beliefs. Therefore we have to be sensitive to their feelings because we are the intruders. If someone really cares for you, they would not view as a threat to their life, but a gift.”

5. Mindy, age 60, Caucasian, professional retired. Her husband cheated on her. The woman he is married to now is the same one he cheated on her with. She says that her and her ex just did not match because they both wanted different things. Mindy is an extremely intelligent, well traveled lady. She has two masters.  She said she would have a better chance of being attacked by a terrorist than finding a man in this town, at her age,  and with her requirement. Most men are looking for someone who is younger and dumber. She is not about to stoop to that level.

Three bedroom, Four families: Lao style

If you are Lao, living with a bunch of people is the norm not the exception. Most Lao people can agree that helping others whether they are your relatives or friends is part of our culture. Maybe that is because some of us who grew up in Laos, or were brought up the traditional Lao way, we know that if someone needs help we take them in even though we ourselves may be struggling. My parents were no exception. They helped our relatives even though they were not financially set.

In the late 1980s, we moved into a three bedroom, two bath home and a garage. It was about 1800 square foot, but it had a huge back yard. The best part about the house was the honeysuckle bush in the backyard. I would love the distintive fragrance and would often meander outside and sit on the little step to relax in the summer. When we first moved into the house, it was just my sister, little brother, older brother, and my parents. I don’t remember how long we lived in that house before my relatives started moving in with us, but I know it was fast. It happened so quickly that I don’t remember actually having a bedroom. Pretty soon, three other families moved in with us. My dad’s sister and husband and their three kids. My cousin and their three kids.  Then my other cousin and his wife. Pretty soon our house tiny three bedroom house was cramped and overflowing with people. At first it was chaotic trying to find a place for everyone. Our garage was turned into a bedroom for all the kids. My parents retained their bedroom, my dad’s siter and her husband got one bedroom and my cousin got the other one. As for my other cousin and his wife, the living room became their bedroom at night.

Some people may wonder why did my parents take in so many people. They did it because our relatives just got to America as refugees and they needed a place to live until they could get on their feet, find a job, and save up for a place of their own. Somehow we managed to make it work. I don’t remember any drama. All I remember is that meal times were chaotic. My female cousins and mom cooked for everyone. The kids would spread out the newspaper in the living room and helped carried out the food. Every meal time was like a big party because there were so many of us. We went through a big bag of rice a week.

I have to say, that living with those many people was fun and interesting. Since I was young, I didn’t really need my privacy. Besides, my cousins and I had fun sleeping in the garage and hanging out. We were never lonely. Since there were so many of us kids, playing hide and go seek was an adventure.

Living Lao style, with extended family is not such a bad idea. We were poor, but everyone pitched in. We depended on each other. When everyone started moving out, it felt weird to be in a quiet house. We finally had a sense of privacy, but I was not as happy. I think this experience has made me into the people person I am today. I love being around people. I am the happiest when I have friends and family over. When they leave and the house quietens down, I find myself planning another event where they can come back again.